Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

My good friend Rowan “won” yesterday’s suggestion raffle with the words, “across the water. nine lamps.” This got me thinking about Rowan more than anything else.

I mean no disrespect to my circle of close friends, many of whom read this site, when I say that Rowan, who presently lives hundreds of miles from me, is my best friend. In the whole, wide world. The reasons for this are complex, the result of years of interaction and hundreds of hours of arguments. Hundreds of hours. Suffice to say that no other person I’ve met “gets” me better. He strikes that perfect balance between being there for me when I really need him and eroding my soul at all other times. He’s like some great, high pressure cavern that has been crushing me, mercilessly, into a diamond for over four years now.

There are really two Rowans. The first is the one who exists in reality, and the second is the image that I have constructed in my mind. There are important differences between the two, but then again, there are the frightening overlaps.

Real Rowan: Once ate Indian food that he found in the trash heap of a recently abandoned dorm room. Without any hesitation whatsoever. He presently knows how to make his own sushi. In his words, “Mmmm. Rice.”

Mental Rowan: Ferments his own wine behind his toilet and will eat meat of virtually any age as long as he can throw some oregano on it.

Real Rowan: Proceeds through life with a bombastic grandiosity, casting his daily struggles in nearly cosmic terms. In the midst of an ongoing (and largely self-created) political debacle with the BU student union government, he once said of the union president, “I will impeach him into China.”

Mental Rowan: Can blast the flesh off his enemies solely through the power of his voice, just like Queen Sindel.

Real Rowan: Is a terrible writer if you get him going. In one college paper, he wrote and eventually submitted the sentence, “Among the forms of media, television reigns crown King among them all.”

Mental Rowan: Wrote the Bible as we know it today—and here’s the important part—through genuine divine revelation. He takes particular pride in the latest edition of the Book of Psalms.

Real Rowan: From the aforementioned abandoned dorm, he also picked up a total of eight (not nine, Rowan) standing floor lamps. He also picked up several unredeemed textbooks from the semester, making him some quick cash. The lamps, just like the pieces of the Triforce, would eventually be scattered across Boston, their true power subdued.

Mental Rowan: Rides a bicycle made of duct tape and shards of glass he’s collected over the years. He claims it is no less comfortable than any banana seat.

Real Rowan: Has been known to contradict the truth in the name of what he perceives to be a greater good. Example? “Rowan, I’m only supporting you on this one if you can talk to everyone else and tell me that not a single one of them has a problem with it.” The response, given without an instant of hesitation or even so much as a twist in the tone of his voice? “I already have, and they’re all fine.”

Mental Rowan: Speaks only lies. Exaggerates his victories to mystical levels of significance and quietly erases any record of even the most minor failure. Lies so much that, just like Pacman, he pops out on the other side and it becomes a kind of truth.

Real Rowan: Once argued with me for so long that we had both lunch and dinner without ever leaving the dining hall. He was very proud of the money it saved.

Mental Rowan: Is never wrong, has never been wrong, and never will be wrong. The universe will eventually come around to see it his way. Quote: “I am right.”

Real Rowan: After a year of knowing him, he revealed to me that his real name actually isn’t Rowan. You’re all in on it now, too. Feel special?

Mental Rowan: Told me that his true name is nearly impossible for someone who isn’t him to pronounce. To help me get the sound right, he punched me in the stomach.

Everyone should have their own Rowan, don’t you think?