Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

There I was, having a normal Wednesday.  I checked my Inbox.  There was a message from a friend.  In the message was a link.  I clicked the link.

The link was a trailer, a preview of a Legend of Zelda movie.  Take a moment to appreciate the gravity of this moment. This is a fantasy I have entertained for approximately half my life.  I watched with bated breath.  I watched in a hyper-aware state, acutely conscious of every line of dialogue, every flap and flicker of green cloth.  I closed the window, truly amazed.

I had to know more.  I Googled.  Since this was April 2nd, I learned that the trailer was actually an elaborate April Fools joke.

Thank God.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Zelda series. They are great games.  They set up their rules and let you figure them out. Puzzles are hard enough to give you that nice “Ah hah!” feeling but easy enough to stave off the impulse to shatter your controller against a nearby cat.  The logic that governs Zelda’s dungeons has been consistent for the past sixteen years, and thus an experienced player can bring a real tool set to a new Zelda game. It gives a person a sense of history, of experience, and most importantly, a sense that all the time spent playing the other games was useful.  These are great games.

I will not, however, sit here and pretend that any Zelda game has ever had anything approaching a thrilling story.  You’ve got your Hero of Time, clad in green, you’ve got Princess Zelda, usually confined to a castle for one reason or another, and then you’ve got Ganondorf, the undying King of Evil. Each of these three people represents one aspect of the Triforce, a mystical power source that, once united, allows its wielder to reshape the world to his will.  Ganon wants to use it to reign over the world in a kingdom of despair for all eternity, you and the Princess would rather that didn’t happen.  Between the start of the game and the big reveal that you, Zelda, and Ganondorf are the latest iteration of a predestined battle between good and evil,  there are dungeons full of logic puzzles, monsters, and treasure.  Aaaaand GAME!

There is no real story, no narrative. While I get a real sense of accomplishment from the completion of each Zelda game, I can’t say I’ve ever been emotionally or intellectually fulfilled by some kind of conclusion or, if I may, denouement. It is not the stuff of feature film, and I doubt it ever will be.  While I am absolutely certain that you could do worse than an overly literal Zelda movie, I am enormously relieved that this was just a joke.