gifts you shouldn’t give on valentine’s day

February 14th 2007

Another year, another Valentine’s Day. If you’re like me, you’re spending another Valentine’s Day alone, and if you’re exactly like me, this is your fifth consecutive year doing so. This is really not a big deal to me. Valentine’s Day is a minor holiday, one created–as I’m sure we all know–to get Hallmark through the financial lull between New Year’s and Mother’s Day. So I won’t pretend that I’m really destroyed over not having someone with whom to share the day, but nor will I play at cheap cynicism. Valentine’s Day is part of our culture and there’s no reason wear black and rail against it like it’s part of a vast conspiracy.  Which it is, but they’ve won.

Instead, I’ll use Valentine’s Day for creative purposes. So, from atop my throne of jagged hatred, here are Gifts You Shouldn’t Give on Valentine’s Day:

  • Venereal Disease (duh)
  • Sensible shoes
  • Quicken
  • Black market antidepressants
  • Gift cards
  • Slimfast
  • A Celine Dion CD
  • An Avenged Sevenfold CD
  • Poetry of your own creation
  • Shards of glass
  • Fake vomit
  • Real vomit

Any other bright ideas?

Commentation

(2 Comments)

  1. GDeeeeZL wrote:

    A vacuum is not such a good gift to give on Valentine’s. Nothing says, “You suck, be mine” like a Hoover and a box of caramels. I’ve also heard that an illegitimate child doesn’t make a very good V-Day gift. I recommend a blender, or a smoothie maker! When all else fails it’s the teddy bear holding a mug of “I love you” jelly beans from CVS.

  2. Damian Hopper wrote:

    You should never give anyone a Celine Dion CD on any occasion.

    And I got you beat. This is my 27th consecutive Valentine’s Day as a single person. 9th as a single legal adult.