how to survive the war on christmas
12.20.06 • comment (2) • trackback
I kept trying to come up with something funny to write about this alleged War on Christmas, but the thing straddles some weird line between infuriating and ludicrous, and that’s a hard target to hit. On the one hand, the comedy just writes itself. I mean, are you really upset because the Post Office stopped printing inch-wide portraits of the Madonna and Child? You’re mad? Really? Over stamps? Come now.
On the other hand I find the whole thing kind of maddening. The same people who use the term “War” to frame their struggle to say “Merry Christmas” are the same ones who claim to pray daily for our men and women in Iraq. There’s an unbelievable callousness and lack of perspective in calling anything within the borders of the United States a war when our soldiers are actually dying in a foreign country. I just can’t reconcile the two statements coming from the same group. It’s like a Rubix Cube with all the tiles painted red, green, and retarded.
So you’ve got the hilarious and you’ve got the infuriating, but some things manage to be both. The latest victory in the War on Christmas? Walmart reversed its stance from last year and will be saying “Merry Christmas” to customers instead of “Happy Holidays,” because hearing “Happy Holidays” apparently doesn’t express the right kind of good will toward men. It’ll melt the face right off of any good Christian, whereas “Merry Christmas” brings the light of the Savior into every aisle of the store. Must’ve been a surprisingly effective boycott for Walmart to cave, because it has profit margins that exceed the GDP of some first-world countries. At least now the true meaning of Christmas will be spread from where it really belongs–in the world’s largest retailer.
The idea behind the War on Christmas is that Christians are being disenfranchised by a secular cabal; that, in essence, Christianity is being oppressed. That’s hard to believe as I wade through a sea of smiling Santas, red and green wrapping paper, and a million cheap reproductions of a very Kurt Cobain looking Jesus to get to the lone Chanukkah rack.
I am celebrating my very first Christmas this year. My roommate’s family is coming into town and they have a heart-warming and storied Christmas tradition, ornaments, tree, and all. I am, in all honesty, thrilled and honored to be a part of it with them. I’ve hung Gandalf on the tree and I couldn’t be happier. I enjoy Christmas for its glorification of the three Fs: family, friends, and food. Framing the two months of Christmas as a more realistic HOLIDAY SEASON (Melting! Meeeeltiiiiiing!) allows me to fully participate in this wonderful time of year. Claiming that I am somehow anti-Christian because I find “Happy Holidays” more pleasing is both culturally insulting and emotionally belittling. Shut up and let everyone in on the party.
12.20.06 #
Am I the only one who seriously debates whether to bring my iPod to the store during this month, so as to block out all the annoying Christmas music?
12.20.06 #
It’s not the Madonna-with-child stamps or the saying “Merry Christmas” that pisses me off. It’s the traffic. When I was driving from my mother’s apartment to my father’s Sunday afternoon, the exit nearest the mall in my mother’s town was backed up onto the freeway a good quarter mile. That is what turns me into a Scrooge. I see very little good in hordes of people getting in my way so they can spend money they don’t have on incredibly stupid shit because it’s expected of them.
Speaking of Wal-Mart and holiday greetings, Mr. Stephenson is no longer a doormat.