Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

Was Larry Craig caught red-handed soliciting lewd attention from an undercover police officer in an airport bathroom, or is he simply the victim of Chaplain-esque mistaken intent?  Follow along and judge for yourself.

First there’s the fact that Craig waited and “fidgeted” outside the officer’s stall for several minutes.  Sure, he may have been waiting for access to a specific stall known as a meeting point for illicit sexual activity, but then again, it’s an airport, and the other stalls may have been filthy.  As for Craig blocking the front of his chosen stall with his roller bag, I’m guessing there could have been puddles of urine to his right and left, thus making the front of the stall the only safe place to put his bag.

Then there’s the foot tapping.  Maybe he’s pee-shy.  Maybe he’s got a “nervous bowel”.  Maybe he likes to hum a little ditty about potatoes when he poos.  One time, I thought Chili’s was playing an acapella version of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” in its bathrooms.  It turned out to be the guy in the next stall over, singing quietly to soothe him during this particular moment of vulnerability.

Regarding the alleged game of footsie, well, Craig said himself that he has a “wide stance.”  I don’t know about you, but I think it’s neither uncommon nor ridiculous to spread your legs four feet apart when evacuating yourself.  This man has been in the high houses of government for a quarter century.  It’s given him a different definition of personal space.  He does number two, and the universe spreads apart a little.  You wouldn’t understand.

Then there’s the part where he swiped his hand under the officer’s partition three times, palm up.  There are two possible explanations.  One, Larry Craig might have obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Have you ever seen Landon Donovan take a penalty shot?  He sniffs his wrists over and over in rapid succession.  Maybe Craig needs to do something to stave off the idea that he is, momentarily, utterly apprehended by the most mortal of biological processes.

Lastly, let’s examine his initial admission of guilt before a judge, a decision he made without consulting friends, family, or a lawyer.  Like everything else, there’s a perfectly rational explanation here.  He did it because he got caught soliciting sexual favors from an undercover cop, and panicked.  He did it because he’s been compartmentalizing his homosexual liaisons for his entire life and he was hoping that this time, just like all the other times, he could make the whole experience vanish if he just tried hard enough.

You’d be hard pressed to find a more vehemently anti-gay senator than Larry Craig.  He voted for Defense of Marriage, supported the constitutional “one man, one woman” amendment, voted against extending hate crimes to cover violence against homosexuals, and countless other things.  Frankly, this couldn’t have happened to a more perfect shmuck.  I felt bad for Mark Foley, all things considered. By contrast, I am delighted that this poisonous, bigoted hypocrite is about to be abandoned by his his beloved conservative base.