Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

Are you kidding me? Seriously, are you kidding me? My commute got screwed up because of a bomb scare caused by Mooninites?

So here’s how it happened. There’s an Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie coming out in March. I won’t debate the merits of turning an eleven minute weekly cartoon that is consciously designed to make as little sense as possible into a feature film. Turner Broadcasting wanted to advertise the movie, and so they turned to one of those edgy advertising firms. You know, the ones that commit acts of public defacement and borderline vandalism to advertise terrible coffee. The plan in this case was to install several magnetic light boards in publicly conspicuous places, thus beaming out the Mooninite message to curious passersby.

Boston was one of ten cities picked for the campaign, and yesterday afternoon, we all freaked out. Trains were diverted, mass inconvenience ensued. I’m not sure if this makes us more observant than the other nine cities or just a whole lot dumber. To be fair to the Boston Police, I think that they took the correct course of action. Someone certainly could have planted actual bombs emblazoned with the visage of the Mooninite Ignignokt. Stranger things have happened. In 2002, Luke Helder went on a nationwide bombing spree. His bombs were planted such that when viewed on a map of the United States, their locations would draw out a smiley face.

The man hired to place the light boards around Boston, Peter Berdovsky, is under arrest. Mayor Menino is talking like he’s going to throw Berdovsky into a gulag for the rest of his life (what of Berdovsky’s counterparts in the other cities?). Under this logic, Menino would have better luck trying to jail the college kids who get hired by the clubs on Landsdowne Street to hand out fliers in dorms. Turner Broadcasting is clearly at fault here, and I do hope that Menino sues the brilliance right out of them. Berdovsky may technically be guilty of trespassing, vandalism, and inciting public anxiety (or whatever), but he was obviously just trying to make some money, and probably assumed that Turner had cleared the campaign with the city. He’s an innocent party in all this. I challenge you to find a single person on Earth who looks more like a starving artist than this guy. He should, however, stop claiming that this is art. He should just own up to the fact that he was getting paid by a global megacorporation that should have known better than to stick panels of flashing lights under bridges and buildings.

Fox’s local coverage of the day’s events was about what you’d expect. They devoted a full fifteen minutes of their hour long broadcast to the Mooninite menace. They incorrectly identified the Mooninite in question as Err. Everyone knows that the pink one is Err, while the green one depicted on the light boards is Ignignokt. Come on. They also blurred out every instance of Ignignokt’s pixelated middle finger, never mind that Ignignokt doesn’t really have any other fingers, per se.

Funniest of all? If the Mooninites were real (which they may be), I absolutely guarantee you that they would be delighted to be held responsible for a city-wide bomb scare. They are from the moon, you see, which relatively speaking is their planet, therefore making our worthless Earth their moon. Five thousand dimensions.

I’d also like to mention that my building is currently suffering a partial power outage. My computer works, but I’m typing this in the dark. This is clearly another Mooninite plot, perhaps involving the dreaded Quad Laser.