Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

Look, we all know that ninjas are awesome.  The ninjas know that ninjas are awesome, though they would never deign to say that out loud.  It would waste precious ninja breath, which contains 300% more oxygen than normal breath, and can get you drunk.  It’s science.  You can’t argue with ninja sciences—those being ninjetics and ninjology.  You can’t argue with them because they will both cut your tongue out for challenging their central tenets.  You have to be very, very fast to survive a ninja science conference.  It’s true.  Just ask the ninja journalists, or nournalists.

Where was I?  Right.  Ninjas.  Ninjas are great, but I think even the ninjas would agree that things are getting out of hand.  You’ve got a videogame so difficult that you have to be a ninja to play it, you’ve got Naruto, you’ve got that really chatty, slightly overweight ninja (weighed down with shuriken, no doubt), and now you’ve got this.  Ninja felons.

Pause.  Rewind.  Slo-mo.

Two women dressed up as ninjas (read: all in black) and carrying a dagger and a sword robbed a gas station in Pennsylvania.  This proves two things.

1. Even disgraceful bandits can get away with anything by impersonating honorable ninjas.
2.  That clerk was a God damned idiot.

Seriously, guy, what kind of moron are you?  Did you honestly think a couple of hooligans in black pajamas were capable of hurting you?  Come on.  I know, I know.  They probably told you that they’d hurt you unless you let them tie you up.  But think about it.  Hurt you how?  Did one of them say her name was Master Ryu?  Did you think she was going to do a flying bird flip over the counter and dice your head off with a katana?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to kill someone by sword?  It’s not as easy as the movies make it look.  Why do you think the guillotine was heralded as a time saving execution device upon its creation?  It’s difficult to adequately slice a conscious man to death.

Has it finally happened?  Have we finally become so culturally stupid and complacent as a society that we’re starting to think Batman is real?  Two women dress in black and rob you at swordpoint, and you know what it says to me?  First, it says these women couldn’t afford a gun.  Second, it says that you were robbed by your own impoverished imagination.  You couldn’t possibly have called the police or laughed in the assassin’s faces.  They were ninjas, after all.

We’ve all seen the surveillance videos on the local news.  Clerks get punched, kicked, slapped, and even scalded with hot coffee.  Gas station robberies tend to be rapid, ugly encounters.  I suppose allowing yourself to be taken hostage by female ninjas is a nice alternative.  Dumb, but nice.