Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

“Hello everyone, I’d like to welcome you all to Delta Song flight 2004 with nonstop service to Boston’s Logan International Airport. We should begin boarding in about fifteen minutes, after the plane is cleaned and catered,” the flight attendant announced.

That was all very routine, nothing I hadn’t heard a dozen times before. Today, though, was special.

Her tone of voice shifted suddenly. “Now here’s the thing. The President’s plane is due to land here at eleven o’clock, after which the airport will be shut down for an hour to accomodate his arrival. So we’re either in the air by 11:00 or on the runway for an extra hour.”

Our flight was due to depart at exactly 11:00, and the flight staff was antsy, obviously dead set on leaving before The Presidential Lockdown. I returned to reading my book, intent on boarding as efficiently as I could.

“Here at Song we board by Zone. If you look at your boarding pass you’ll see a Zone number beneath your seating assignment. When I call your Zone please board as quickly as possible.”

As quickly as possible? This is obviously a new and exciting script.

“Now boarding Zone 1. If you are in Zone 1…and Zone 2, please board now. Zones 1 and 2, please, BOARD NOW!”

I looked down to resume reading. “Now boarding Zone 3. Zone 3, please board NOW!” Crap, that’s me. “If you are not here when your Zone is called we will leave without you. PLEASE BOARD NOW!”

Underneath her crisp voice you could hear the words, “THE PRESIDENT IS APPROACHING OUR FACILITY. AND THEN THE WORLD ENDS. MOVE IT, PEOPLE!” A similar tone can often be heard accompanying the words, “Fire!” or “Gun! THERE IS A MAN WITH A GUN! Right behind me, pointing it at my not bulletproof head.” Obviously young children and old women would be left behind. Not unlike a herd of panicked zebra, the slow would be pruned away so that the fit could survive. Darwin must be looking down on us from Evolutionary Heaven.

As it happens, our flight made it out in the nick of time. Indeed, we were the last plane allowed to depart from the airport.