Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

Muse, one of my favorite bands, has a new single out on the Twilight: Eclipse soundtrack. I’m sure you can imagine my conflict here. I bit the bullet and gave the song a listen, and now I can only assume that Muse set out to mock fans of Twilight, parody themselves, or both. The title of the song is “Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)”. I get the feeling that the parenthetical was added purely for clarification, as the phrase “neutron star collision” doesn’t exactly scream “love song”. Oh sure, it does to me, but then, my life is all gaussians and null hypotheses, and I’m waiting for your points of data to make a beautiful line, baby. I’m not some teenage girl heading to the movies after the weekly outing to Claire’s.

The opening lyric is:

I was searching
You were on a mission
And our hearts combined like
A neutron star collision.

That’s right, baby, our love is a cosmic cataclysm, a destructive event so powerful that it could atomize Earth and its entire solar system in less time than it takes you to begin to blink. I love you, too.

“Neutron Star Collision” is short for a Muse song but contains most of their usual tricks. Overwrought lyrics made palatable through Matthew Bellamy’s unique vocals? Check. Quick shifts from slow and soft to fast and loud? Check. Piano outro? Check. The song itself is a good example of a band going through the motions, the one saving grace being that the band is Muse.

Music criticism isn’t really something I do, so I thought I’d share something that my incredibly talented friends created off the cuff. This originally transpired on Facebook, but I don’t see why Mark Zuckerberg should be allowed to centralize all of the internet’s content, no matter how many of my former classmates end up portraying his life or how melodramatic they make the trailer. But I digress.

THE MIDWESTER: There’s a Twilight convention in Boston? As a beautiful and emotionally abusive Dracula, I really should have been informed.

THE SOUTHERNER: But I’m sooooooo plain and clumsy and bad and vague! How could you ever love someone like meeeeeee? I need you to validate my existence.

THE MIDWESTER: No! I’m too dangerous! Wait here while I abandon you.

THE SOUTHERNER: I am saddened and plagued with guilt, for only I am to blame for your horrible behavior towards me. It makes me want you more.

THE BREWER: SOUTHERNER, MIDWESTER is dangerous for a reason that I will not specify. My family all distrust him.

THE TALL ONE: Do I feel a sudden desire to turn into an under-age wolf with great pecs? For some reason, I am feeling that urge!

THE SOUTHERNER: That’s funny, all I feel is shame and an urge to do whatever men tell me to do.

THE BREWER: Isn’t that what you felt before MIDWESTER was a teenage Dracula made of diamonds?

THE MIDWESTER: Hey I just got back from the Dracula convention and the great Obamapire gave me permission to draculate you, SOUTHERNER. PS my skin is sparkling because of beauty.

THE SOUTHERNER: I am conflicted. Like, super conflicted, you guys. But MIDWESTER told me to get draculated, so that seems like a good idea, I guess. Oh, woe is me, will I ever break out of this ugly duckling stage and embrace the true me, the glistening Swan unashamed of this shame and doubt and conflict? So, yeah, go ahead and undead me or whatever. I probably deserve it.