Jon22: The Website of Jonathan Dobres

EW.com has this nifty supervillain bracket going for some reason (possibly has something to do with the summer blockbuster season being historically engorged with villains, but how can we be sure?).  The bracket presents sixteen villains and has you narrow them down, pair by pair, until only the best is left standing.  Here are my thoughts on each contender.

New Goblin:  Are you kidding me?  Must I really tell you again how much I hate every aspect of this New Goblin person?  How is it possible that some rich kid on a flying snowboard gets into the bracket instead of—and this is just the first person that comes to mind—Ra’s al Ghul?  Harry Osborn is slightly less villainous than the average BU School of Management student.

Lex Luthor:  Fair enough.  Superman’s nemesis always represented that classical dichotomy between the raw physical power of the Last Son of Krypton and the socioeconomic power of the The Greatest Criminal Mind of Our Time.  Luthor works as a nice metaphor, but like the New Goblin, if you take away his toys he’s essentially just a petulant bald guy in a tailored suit.  Just like Donald Trump.

Green Goblin:  Meet the old boss, same as the new boss.  Norman Osborn at least gets my respect for being a self-made man.

The Penguin:  He loses the fight just for the name.  The Penguin.  That’s your villainous mantle?   Seriously?  He should’ve stuck with his given name, Oswald Cobblepot, which is so strangely melodious that I can recall it from memory despite not having thought about it in at least ten years. I can still hear it rolling off of Danny Devito’s tongue if I think about it long enough.

Doctor Octopus:  I’ve just never been able to get behind the various Spiderman villains.  I can respect him as a nerd gone mad, but again, as far as raw power goes this guy’s got nothing on some of the other contenders.  In the words of Stephen Colbert:  Movin’ on.

The Riddler:  Another nerd gone mad, but this is one I can’t respect.  You’ve got to wonder why a man of Edward Nigma’s brilliance would bother running around in a bowler hat and embarrassingly form fitting green tights.  Takes the nerd stereotype of being unable to dress oneself to a new level.  Loses in the bracket simply on the basis that every other villain could literally tear him in half, even the Penguin.

Kingpin:  I know absolutely nothing about Kingpin, nor do I care to learn.  It says something that he’s cool enough to be played by the bone crushing onyx tower that is Michael Clarke Duncan, but if I’ve gone my entire life without having even the faintest idea of who you are, you clearly aren’t going to win this thing.

Harvey Two-Face:  What is it with Batman villains and vats of acid?  Sorry, but if your evil motivation is that you don’t look so good anymore, it’s not sufficient to make me respect you.  Don’t even get me started on Batman Forever, which essentially ruined what little of your character I had liked.

The Joker:  Another vat of acid, but it’s different this time.  The Joker was nuts from the word go, and an evil genius to boot.  Plus, he’s been immortalized by Jack Nicholson, and for a while there in the late 80s I truly believed that Jack Nicholson was the Joker.  Maybe I still do.  Still, he can’t escape the dominant Batman formula of a thematically scarred criminal who’s just a few cards short of a deck.  The winner of this little competition needs to be sane.

Mr./Dr. Freeze:  My opinion on Freeze varies wildly with the version of him I’m watching.  It it’s Arnold Schwarchenegger in that hideous movie, then I hate the guy.  If it’s any version of Freeze from the animated series, then I have tremendous respect for him.  Tormented, immortal, brilliant, and ultimately not insane, just in love.  Still, at the end of the day all Freeze really wants is thermoregulation and his wife’s life back.  A real villain thinks bigger.

Poison Ivy:  There are some very cool things that have been done with her, particularly some of the more horror movie moments from the always excellent Batman: The Animated Series.  Yet she boils down to Greenpeace meets the PLO meets a stripper.  Clearly, she won’t be winning this battle royal.

Bullseye:  Who are you?  Answer:  not the winner of this bracket.

Dr. Doom:  Gotta respect a guy with a doctorate in evil, I suppose, but it’s another Stan Lee villain that I just never followed.  Again, if a dork like me doesn’t know anything about you by the age of twenty-four, you’re obviously not important.  Plus, what gives with the giant buttons on the outfit?

Sandman:  Spider-man 3 has permanently ruined all of its featured villains for me.  Flynt Marko does to my mind what sand does to my mouth:  leaves me with a flavorless kind of discomfort that I can’t wait to wash out.

Mystique:  Alright, here’s a serious contender.  She’s opportunistic, empowered, vengeful, brilliant, and much more than meets the eye.  She has goals and she knows how to get what she wants.  The only reason she’s going to lose the bracket is because she’s working for the man who’s going to win.   It’s not exactly fair, but sometimes that’s how (fictional) life works out.  Rest assured, Mystique, that you’re better than everyone else in the contest, save one.

Magneto:  Magneto is everything you’re looking for in a villain.  Calculating but noble, as powerful as he is brilliant, and as dangerous in a fight as he is in a debate.  Charismatic and strangely likeable, Magneto is quite simply the best mastermind you could ask for.  His aims are nothing less than a sweeping and complete change to the order of the world, and as if that wasn’t awesome enough, you understand exactly why he wants it.  As played by Sir Ian McKellen—and you know how much I love him—Magneto is given an incredible gravitas.  You almost want Magneto to take over the world.  Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner.